A counselor once told me that you either grow up with a sense that I’m me and I’m okay or I’m me and I’m not okay, either with secure attachment and a love-based identity or insecure attachment and a shame-based identity.

I fall mostly in the latter camp. For a variety of reasons — hardwiring, upbringing, bad theology, who knows — I have long lived with a sense not just that I do or think bad things, but that I am a bad person who doesn’t deserve love. My soul has spent much time shrouded in shame.

Here’s a tricky thing: there’s usually some measure of truth in the thoughts that imprison us.

Humans are bent and need unbending. That’s true. Humans have broken hearts that need remaking — and we cannot ourselves remake them. That’s true.

And it’s even true, through a certain lens, that we don’t “deserve” to be loved by God: we didn’t earn nor can we demand God’s love.

But, but, but…

When this sense of “being a sinner” and “being undeserving” decays into a soil of shame that grows all sorts of ugly fruit, then we know: something we’re believing isn’t true.

When this happens, when we’re living from an identity of sin and shame, what’s the remedy?

Well, one can try to believe the modern mantras of “you are enough” and “you are worthy.” There’s something to these statements, but they’re a bit wobbly without Divine footings. On what basis am I enough? On whose authority am I worthy?

Here’s something sturdier: You were made by God and reflect God’s nature. You have great worth because God is worthy and what God makes is good and valuable. Your bentness doesn’t diminish your worth. “God will unbend you as fast as you can stand it,” Carolyn Arends says, because God loves what he makes and restores what he loves.

Last week’s webinar with Curt Thompson and Ken Shigematsu delved into this topic of shame. Is it ever helpful? What’s the difference between “trait shame” and “state shame”? (The replay is here. Highly recommended.)

One takeaway for me is that shame is a signal. Whether that signal is productive or not depends on our response. Our natural reaction to shame is to run and hide. If we respond, instead, by moving toward relationship with God and others, toward our true self in Christ rather than our false self — then shame is a helpful signal. It turns toxic when we respond with fixation, self-loathing, and isolation.

A familiar story comes to mind of an early encounter between Peter and Jesus.

Jesus gets into Peter’s boat and they push out from the shore. He finishes teaching the crowd and says to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”

Peter says he hasn’t caught a thing all night, but because Jesus says so, he’ll do it. The nets go down, the fish come up. Net-breaking, boat-sinking quantities of fish.

Suddenly Peter is Adam in the garden, his soul naked and ashamed.

“Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!”

Appropriate shame.

Now watch how Jesus stops it from becoming toxic.

He looks at Simon and says, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.”

Jesus didn’t let Peter dwell in that shame one second longer than necessary: Get up, Peter. Your sin doesn’t define you. I do. I choose you. You’re worth my love, and my love conquers your shame. I trust you to do my work. I’m not afraid of you messing it up. Let’s go love people together.

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CURATED BY GRACE POUCH

🎧 WEBINAR REPLAY. Shaped by Shame: How do we receive the grace that can transform us? Carolyn Arends talked to Curt Thompson and Ken Shigematsu about why a sense of shame so pervasive in the human condition, whether shame is ever helpful, how shame is related to guilt, and other questions from participants. Watch the replay.

Read a beautiful excerpt from Now I Become Myself: How Deep Grace Heals Our Shame and Restores Our True Self, by Ken Shigematsu.

Here are three devotions and reflections on becoming our true selves from Renovaré’s new book From the Inside Out Journal (available this December).

An aspect of our growth in Christlikeness is responding appropriately to others when they are in the wrong. In this excerpt from The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard offers counsel on how to go about correcting others in a restorative way.

Karen Pascal of the Henri Nouwen Society’s podcast talks with Ken Shigematsu about identity and worth.

We come to know what is true about ourselves and the world by listening to God. This week Renovaré released our Fall publication, Learning to Hear God, with two exercises that strengthen our bond with the Lord and put us into a listening posture: “Hearing God’s Words of Love… For You,” by Trevor Hudson, and “The Gentle Art of Renewing Your Mind,” by Brian Morykon. We hope you’ll download the free PDF booklet and/or order physical copies for yourself and your community.

Grace Pouch
Content Manager

Shame is a Signal

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