When disaster strikes — as it does with alarming frequency these days — a community often experiences an initial surge of compassion, energy, resolve, and unity. Then comes the long slog of rebuilding with its accompanying frustration and fatigue.

This pattern is true not just of a community struck by tragedy, but with any community that comes together for a purpose — like a worshiping community. 

I think of a church plant that initially bursts with life and hope. Then the weight of the weekly work sets in. Meetings become monotonous. Personality cracks are uncovered. And you begin to wonder if doing life together is even worth it.

Bonhoeffer’s classic by that title, Life Together, can help us here. 

He says that Christians should bear one another — not just to be there in a hard time, but to allow our brother or sister the freedom to be who they are. And who they are is almost always different from who we want them to be.

“Bearing” doesn’t mean that we learn to ​“put up” with people in community while resentment festers under a forced smile. Instead, we cooperate with God to come to love and even to like people in spite of — in some cases, because of — their idiosyncrasies. ​“To bear the burden of the other person means involvement with the created reality of the other, to accept and affirm it, and in bearing with it, to break through to the point where we take joy in it.” 

One way to bear one another well — that is, to love one another well — is to hold our tongues. 

Yes, Sally is strange. Yes, Peter has problems. And maybe at some point — if we’re committed to their good and they’ve invited us to speak into their lives — we address them directly about some destructive pattern in their lives. But talking around them or about them almost always harms, even if it’s under the guise of praying for them. (The Devil gets a special kick out of prayer-request-gossip.)

There are special cases where it is appropriate to talk about someone’s flaws with the real intent of how to help that person. But for the most part, a bitten tongue beats a loose one. 

The health of a community — in times of peril or in times of peace — hangs on its lips. ​“Bear with each other,” says Saint Paul. ​“Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly.” 

Lord, I’m convicted. It can be fun to talk — or think — poorly about people to feel better about myself. Forgive me and teach me. You have the words of life. Your silence speaks. Help us learn your way with one another.