The Tools in Your Listening Toolbox

My initial reaction to conflict is to stay as removed as possible. Recently, two people I care about were involved in a dispute, which escalated. The escalation felt like an invitation from the Spirit to get involved. So, with anxiety, I asked God to lead me, and I made a phone call to one of the parties involved. I knew this call would require every listening tool in my toolbox. 

We began the conversation at the surface, but eventually, the story under the story came out. I listened. I affirmed her feelings. I told her she made sense to me. I knew that if I disagreed, corrected, or instructed, it would most likely produce defensiveness or a shutdown. While listening, I asked myself:

• What is the story she is telling herself?
• What feelings is she experiencing and why? 
• What does this story mean to her? 
• What is her deeper longing?
• Where is Jesus in this story, and what does he want for her?

As we continued to speak, I could hear her tears. What were her tears trying to communicate? We had moved past anger to hurt. She had a story she was telling herself about what had happened and what it meant. No wonder there was such a conflict. 

From there, we could consider the cost of this conflict. This feud was increasing suffering for both parties. How would it feel to let it go? Did she want to let it go? Not surprisingly, she had immediate answers to these questions, and they moved us to a more reflective place.

When I hung up ninety minutes later, I was in awe. I had used every listening skill I knew, and the Spirit was at work. The listening tools had acted as guardrails for my hearing, allowing me to focus on my friend and for her to feel genuinely cared for. They helped me set aside my agenda to fix or tell my own story. The pressure was off to make something happen; my goal was to love and listen for the Spirit’s agenda. This posture changes conversations. 

Conversations don’t always go this way, but when we listen transformationally, we listen for a clue as to where Jesus and his kingdom are hiding within a story. Rather than getting caught up in the drama of the speaker’s story or the conflicted emotions they convey, we look and listen for God. What might be the story God wants to tell here? We are looking for the truth, beauty, and love which began in the garden of God. Like a cosmic Where’s Waldo book, we know God is hidden somewhere in there. 

South African author, pastoral therapist, and retreat leader Trevor Hudson says: 

“If I cannot listen to you, then I cannot listen to God. How can I listen to God if I haven’t learned to listen to myself or others? We need to place listening at the heart of Christian life and ministry. It lies at the heart of ministries of evangelism, healing, deliverance, and discipleship. I move into the heart of God through listening to his people. Love always desires to communicate.” 

Listening is not simply a practice of remaining silent so someone else can speak. Listening is an opening of myself, my heart, and my mind so that I can wholeheartedly attend to what another is saying and feeling. I want to understand the deeper meaning of what my friend is trying to express. Listening involves focusing on the other person and responding actively to them, allowing them to see that I’m genuinely interested and fully present. But I’m also listening for something more profound — a longing for Eden tucked deep inside their heart, like a hidden treasure. Listening well is a way of loving well. It is sacrificial. And when offered with skill and intention, it transforms our conversations. When we do this, we build intimacy and trust with one another. 

Listening is much more than the sum of its parts. Although it is not a cure for everything, it is a cure for much more than we could ever have imagined. When we listen with a desire to know where God is hidden in the story, something shifts within us. We get a glimpse of how things were meant to be, and we begin to hear the exquisite sound of love and deep connection that God always intended. 

Jeanie Hoover offers this invitation: 

If you’re interested in becoming a spiritual director or simply loving people through your listening, consider joining the next cohort of the Transformation Listening Center. TLC is a two-year program offering a certificate in Spiritual Direction and Formation.